It's been a recurring theme of gawking at stars and being out in the open.
..Went running at midnight - forgot how refreshing and peaceful it always is.
My mother's green windbreaker kept me warm and beautiful music (ie lovely ipod) propelled the rhythm. Memories of fading faces from faded places flashed throughout my head.
Where are you? I wondered.. where are you in life.. on the earth..

I stopped running several times to look up and take in the breathtaking night - it was so big and wide. I'm going to miss this.
The city lights from afar looked like colored stars too.. twinkling hello, goodbye.

I think ever since I was young I had a fascination/weird habit of looking up at the sky.

Running in the dark, without a clue where I was going - it was simply nice. (And scary - had to check over my shoulder several times to make sure some psycho wasn't behind me ahaha)


Random moments like this I feel so alive. And happy to be as well.

<3

..and in that moment of frustration and anger, I grab my keys and purse (minus um driver's license), shove on flip flops, and lighty slam the door on my way out.
It's almost 1 in the morning: this is my 'adult' temper tantrum. (how very high school haha)
Ignoring my mom's phonecall, I blast the radio and drive aimlessly, letting the road take me wherever. Half of me feels like going back, swallowing it in, and apologizing. But I don't. I stay immature. The serenity of the night tempts me.

It's like taking a nice, warm shower, where the hot water runs and runs, and you don't want to get out. Not wanting to step out of that cozy little bubble - to face coldness.. reality.

Driving in the dark feels so relaxing.
I've never done this before - random driving, aka spontaneous gas-wasting (mammoth of a Ford Expedition~ sorry mr ozone layer!). ohh but I drove the speed limit for once! Even 10 under! (saw a police car)
I don't want to stop and turn home just yet - not when the radio station's actually playing good songs, and when the darkness of the night can comfort and calm me. She's in the solitary car on the road.

On the way home I pass the church. I could sit in the parking lot and pray and mull. But I drive past, feeling guilty.
That's me - avoiding..
What am I running from?

After half an hour, I come home, and my youngest sister is still awake on the family room sofa. "Why aren't you asleep yet? Go upstairs to bed," I tell her.
She says it's too hot, she can't sleep. I poke her legs.

And I wonder if she heard the fight.

This past week:

-selling men's cologne at Macy's = smelling like a man
-working at the clinic promoting 'advance directives'
-family counseling sessions, assumptions, and fights
-first MRI: felt like I was in a coffin w/aliens attacking me.. yeahh..
-we are moving to Hawaii
-lying on the grass huddled with friends, looking, looking
-retucking my babies in bed/ brushing teeth at same time (savvy multitasker booyah) early in the morning
-eating the BEST PIZZA EVER!!! SO DOUGHY :D
-becoming a scale-y tomato by means of sunburn


and reading that peace is not being where there is no noise, hard work, or trouble
but is being in the midst of all of it and still remaining calm.
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Especially when it's night where the air is cool and crisp against your skin-
you tilt your head to look up at the sky and spin around

The scattered stars, I recognize them. It's the same, still sight every night, but I feel something changed in comparison to the familiar sky.
Just a different person in a different place in life.