the CHOES :D

HAHAHA Can't tell where I am!



Hi, I'm Miriam.




In the beginning, I was alone..



Then HE came along.



And THEM.



My very own entourage since age 8! yesss



how I made us play Pioneer, pioneer!



MOVIE AND FOOD NIGHT (guess who's eating all the food)




Years pass
I see my siblings grow up
Sometimes I wish they could stay small and cute (the easier to boss around hahahah)
when things were simpler

But I see the people they are becoming, changing into -
Their struggles are my struggles and vice versa
What would I do without any of them?
My brothers and sisters mean the world to me

Time can complicate and taint things

But even so - the joyful moments, the continuous bonding
haven't stopped


Appreciative
and aware of the gift
of my family.

Thankful ..

..for what I had
and have :)

Drained

of all emotion
I want to get away from everything
school, obligations,
illusionary expectations -

Momentarily
I want to return home
to the parents, the siblings; their fights, their laughter
the familiar,
the unconditional

where I feel free to be me.

-----------


I sink in time

For this bruise to heal.

For these fibers to intertwine again.

Tender and raw,
inside, I feel so
hurt.

Sad and happy.

Your love never changes - it never began and never will end, and it yearningly calls your unlistening, ungrateful child. I'm broken, I'm sorry, I'm shame, I'm sin.
Even when I cannot look at myself, you love me still the same, allowing rebirth and growth to be created from my mistakes.
You, you are, you are love.
I cry with my chest hurting and hollowed because the things I seek in this passing world do not even compare to what has always been there from You.
I'm sorry.
I want to let go of the past, to be whole, to be broken to be broken(to let love flow), to live in compassion and selflessness. To follow.

Today is the 7,017th day of my life.

Alive and breathing
for over 7,000 days...

With each day, hour, minute and second
With each tear, smile, and piece of laughter

I'm living.

In collapsing furniture I seek comfort
to rest the weary legs of my Esteem -
they have not traveled far, but around in circles.

Such intangible crumbs
lay on this open table -
I can't sweep them away.



---------------
Recently I've faced so much disappointment I go numb and my days pass in wasted nothingness. And the main disappointment I can't escape from, the one I can't directly deal with - is myself.

Although everyone gets stuck in a rut here and then, it seems like I take it to the extreme. Why can't I move? Out of sheer laziness, sheer habitual inability to call on any willpower.. I need to get my act together, but there's no driving mechanism or motivation. The more meaningful things are placed on hold as I tend only to superficial priorities.

I know this will pass, yet for now I'm so consumed and paralyzed with guilt.

as we wait

for
the
train
to
arrive..



On some days we know where we're going.. (in the above's case, to San Francisco haha :D)

But in times of hesitation whether to get on or to keep waiting - I feel safe
when I place my trust in You.
You hold the peace I strive for.

Quote of the day:

"We all live to learn, learn to live, live and learn, learn and live. The past may have been harsh, but don't let it cloud the present. Don't be afraid of getting hurt, of crying, of feeling. It makes us who we are, and really is proof of miracles--we as human beings are beautiful mysteries. So be yourself, do what you feel you need to do, commit your heart to a decision, regardless of how simple it may be.

Whatever it is, do it fullheartedly; I know you will needless to say :) . Cherish every painful and joyful moment because they are, every one of them, gifts. We may not know what to make of it now, but we don't need to yet. Open it, accept it with love and compasssion and fear not because besides family and friends supporting you, you have the Big Man.
The only thing I'd like to add to that for you is to be careful and don't be blind to your emotions or worries or fears."

----
-I know you want to remain anonymous but thanks for the uplifting words :-)

Late

Sadness used to drive me, chauffeuring me around the restless streets of whose empty town.. And now, there is a difference, a potential difference, such charge such voltage that I fear might cloud judgment even though the lens are cleaned and wiped new of the past. Is this a silent contentment, is it really? I doubt and I shovel out discrepancies one at a time, hoping the pile won’t be too great for the fluctuating, tottering balance.
That inevitable haunting decrescendo of who we were and what we were.
--------------

Let me hand you something and not hold back and float along where the current goes.

I feel different and a little older than before, more secure, no longer as petty or so confined within myself.
Yet I keep weighing things.. where I will be in comparison to the now, in comparison to the past - trying to estimate the differences to schedule in pencil appropriate times of change, conceptual change that can’t be tied down to one point, but series of ongoing evolution.

In the hard cold file, categorized are the sins and grievances of my life according to the various degrees of awareness.

Inside these minds..

What’s on your mind we ask, digging in the turmoil of yes or no
Say and stay awhile with you?
Hours giftwrapped in tissue paper,
Crinkling with gentle laughter,
Return receipt is tucked away -
Hearing this phrase of innocent happy, what light
What feather feeling
Still makes me stand back and reevaluate
Do you walk to the same beat as I do
Do all bell towers need to ring in the same tune -
Is it time to make that fearful move
Into concrete architecture, building brick foundations
For housing the present’s This
Or
Can hands just be held quietly over time
And hold on, just hold on –
Despite time’s shifting tendency to twist the This
So far out of sight
That half visible star in the night’s
rising ceiling.

Oh, but to think it’s there.